Happily “Whatever” After

The only not-so-interesting thing about those Saturdays my priest of a father pronounced a man and woman as “husband and wife” was my mother’s rants about how my sisters and I’s refusal to wash my dad’s white priestly cassock was not very helpful on our part. Well, that was not the first time she had complained and it definitely was not going to be the last. The unanimity of that decision had not happened at some Beijing conference; yet, somehow, we had decided that every other chore in the house was doable, but for the washing of the priestly robe, we shall leave it to the wife of the priest to perform the “pious task”. The mornings my father had to officiate these weddings, our morning prayers as a family was filled with the sermon he was to preach later at the ceremony; for which reason, I do not recall ever attending any wedding my father officiated. I had already heard the message that was to be preached; and if the wedding food was anything to motivate me, I never had the patience to stay through the entire service. I never understood why wedding sermons in the motherland were so long anyway. It was like the congregation had to be subjected to a session of pre-marital counseling with the to-be couple. I am not sure what your impression of wedding ceremonies was whilst growing up, but I am sure by now you have gathered that mine was a boycott of long church wedding sermons, and very few times, a gruesome and impatient effort to wait till the reception to eat the food!

Do fairy tales still exist? Is marriage and settling down the goal of everyone? Some view marriage as a foreboding ordeal which has resulted in the 21st century man/woman evolving various terminologies to define and practice relationships with the word "marriage" remaining accursed if not a mirage. Maybe the way some married couples look worn out and over-burdened once they are seen together in public with the obvious dwindling and dearth of PDA (public display of affection) once they are 3 or 4 years into the matrimony makes it look like the concept of “forever boyfriend/girlfriend” maybe the ideal route for some. With a staggering, 50% divorce rate in Obamaland for first marriages, and (60-67)% for second marriages, you can’t blame today’s modern girl/boy who chooses the supposed “safe” and uncomplicated path of “friendship” which by the way comes with quite a few "benefits" (sips tea) as their “happily ever after”. Truth is, people consider more of the possibility of a failed marriage than the chances of the success of one.

I was not very familiar with the “baby-daddy, baby-mama” concept until I inhabited Obamaland. In the motherland, the title was not that fancy. “Born-one” was the name given to a woman who had had a baby out of wedlock. Again “born-one”! Aside the stigmatization some of these women unfortunately receive, and the lack of legal framework to “force” these men who “hit and run” to pay child support, "born-one" isn’t exactly cute and therefore, many women would do their best to avoid it. Someone once tweeted; “What kind of birth control y’all on” and another tweeted back; “African parents”. The accuracy though! But oh the joys of those daughters of Eve whose eggs make the glorious entrance with their male counterparts’ competing “candidates” and bring forth precious babies in Obamaland! If you are lucky enough to have a pop-star/famous person as the father in question, let’s just say that the child support would secure you and your other “babies” for a good number of years! Jackpot! Yet another reason why in Obamaland, marriage may be becoming a more uncommon aspiration. Why marry, if you have a constant supply of “free-money” and the job description was something as natural as egg-production?

For some that do the deed, there's sometimes an interesting twist to the “American dream”. Having children would ultimately affect the dynamics of population control and so the modern day couple can choose to join in efforts by the G7 to address this global issue and therefore adopt a puppy or two to that end goal. A laudable effort I must say but I realized that a lot had changed since the time we watched The Cosby show or when we fantasized what life after college looked like. Do you still believe in happily ever after or have you drowned that in the “convenient sea of reality”? People do have different expectations and define these differently going into relationships. I think this is one of many reasons why relationships today don’t work as much. Then again who defines the success of 21^st century relationships? I guess we always have statistics from divorce rates as a checker. 

Someone once argued that our parents were equally unhappy in their marriages but stayed for diverse reasons. Could it be that the idea that we have a choice or the options of finding fulfillment in career, relationships-with-no-marriage-focus in today’s modern society, free-sexual sprees with willing participants aka “getting it in” or “playing the field” has made marriage seem less attractive and for those that do, the way out is always first to consider when something pops up or do these reasons in effect buttress the notion that marriage is “an unhappy place”. If it were, why are so many aspiring to do the walk one day?

One book I remember reading from my childhood days was a “Treasury of fairy tales”.  If there was something you couldn’t miss about these stories, it was the magical, seemingly perfect ending to these tales; “and they lived happily ever after”. It seemed that Cinderella and the Prince, Beauty and the beast and all these other characters in these literary Hollywood stories seemed to have it all. Once the conflicts were resolved in these stories with the antagonists, dying and the guy married the girl, life was set on a cruise to which we learned was laced with ending happiness! Awwww! I did appreciate those endings, but even as a child, I squinted at those concluding lines with sheer cynicism. I grew up to find out that my infantile suspicions were right!

From my interactions with some married folks, I have learned that, happily ever after is not in a fairy tale or a chick flick, it is what you make it! It is no cliche.  The truth however is, there is more to it than glamorous “BellaNaija Wedding” updates on Instagram! It is a never-ending cycle of intentional effort, persistent growth and a constant “dying” to each other. Forever means; “forever we fight together, brave storms together, cry together, battle together, be broke together, build together; not always happily but at times unhappily”. For better or worse right? Well, that’s the reality of it, I am told. Sounds like Ephesians 5:22-33 to me!

So if you decide to do the “tan, tan tanaa” march towards your pastor dressed in white, become a baby momma or daddy, work your way up to the CEO of a fortune-500 company or be married to your career, whatever “happily ever after” means to you, do you booboo! 

A final word to my fellow Africans especially the career women in the diaspora and the motherland; “no degree, no achievement, no accolade will suffice for your African parents”! After saving the world, remember your mandatory African duty. For that question shall be asked, regardless of how their hymn a decade ago was to focus on your books, maybe indirectly but definitely intended by inquisitive aunties and nosy uncles. That gentle warning from your high school years shall be converted into an inquiry which shall sound something close to; “where are my grandchildren”?

Until next time, I am going to be looking for my mothers’ grandchildren!